Scott Adkins

My previously ‘bated breath’ was fresh and minty and I was much earlier than yesterday.

I walked into the midst of a fellow reporter reeling off to Mike a story that she’d just been leaked from our local ASDA:

“A woman walked in to ASDA yesterday, picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels, went into the changing rooms and drank it. Staff noticed how long she’d been in there, kicked the door down and dragged her into a holding cell in the back of the store…

(may I just stop it there…for I work part-time at my local Sainsbury’s and I can safely say we have no ‘holding cell’ that I know of. All we have is a rather ‘butch’ female ‘Commercial Manager’ [five o’clock shadow…answers to ‘Dave’ if caught unawares]..who sits on criminals until the police arrive.

I joke.

But it would be funny would it not?)

…When the police arrived she had barricaded herself into her cell with the bed (just goes to show that ASDA should spend less time ‘rolling back’ a.k.a ‘skimping’ on their products and invest in a few nails for their cell beds!) and shouted at them through the ‘air hole’ in the cell door: “don’t come in here. I’ve got a knife.”

After-having kicked the cell door down to the woman who’d passed out in a pool of her own Jack Daniels-scented vomit, they carried her away from the store.”

As Charlotte took her first breath in about 5 minutes, Mike’s face resembled that of fat baby eating cake:

“I love it. All it’s missing is a sob story or a cripple and it would be perfect. Get it typed up.”

Sub Editor: “what headline are we going for?”

Mike: “leave it with me.”

..and so while to cogs turned, I got on with my first task of the day…’party poppers’.

Apparently ‘Poundland’ were I.Ding customers who looked to be under the age of 16 as party poppers were classed as an ‘explosive’ (even though they only contain about 16 milligrams of explosive and therefore couldn’t blow-up a bird house, let alone a building!) and so Mike wanted me to fashion a story about the age restrictions, so off i went down the town centre…

Having cornered an unsuspecting young member of staff, who looked particularly horrified at me brandishing my notepad and papermate at her squeaked “can I help?”

Me: “yes, I’m Natalie from the Chase Post and I was wondering if you could tell me about your party popper policy and why you I.D for them”.

After she’d charged off seeking her manager to returned and informed me it was because the ‘explosive charges’ could easily be removed, and it had been known for kids to accumulate enough of them to create a big ‘bang’.

Kids today eh? When my dad was little he climbed trees and grazed his knees. Kids today climb barbed wire and steal lead from roofs. How times change…

Having filled out that story and one on a ‘charity car wash’, I began to prep my questions for my ‘big interview’, which Mike had announced was to be with Martial Arts Movie star ‘Scott Adkins’.

Having initially been reluctant to believe his hints as to his ‘stardom’, i youtube’d him and was surprised to discover that he was indeed a movie star, having worked alongside heavyweights such as Jackie Chan, Hugh Jackman, & Matt Damon to name but a few.

The interview was at 3pm, and so I became increasingly nervous as I scoured the fridge (and dodged the workman fixing the ‘swimming pool’ on the floor) in Boots.

The time of reckoning soon arrived and I walked the short distance to the martial arts centre where the movie hunk in question awaited.

I was disappointed to find a ‘media circus’ had already formed a ordely line for interviews, although I didn’t have to wait long to get my moment and 500 photos!

He was certainly more ‘dashing’ in real life although keen to make sure that I had plugged everything he’d ever done, been in, and was due to be in to within an inch of its life and felt quite sorry for the bloke who owned the centre who was ment to be getting some publicity from his movie star pupil.

I headed back to the office with illegible scribble all over my newly purchased  ‘work experience notepad’ and an album of photos (only half of which depicted a decent ‘lethal kick’, and half of which looked like he was either pulling a moony or doing an impression of a sumo wrestler!)

Suddenly Mike announced..

“I’ve got it! … ‘OFF-HER-TROLLEY DOLLY IN SUPERMARKET SHOCKER’!”

(laughter)

Mike: “Either that or ‘SHELF HARM'”.

(yet more laughter)

An hour later and I had finished the piece, trying in earnest to plug the trainer’s business after sifting through the mass of ‘me me me’ etched into my notebook.

I finished after 5 o’clock today which is surely evidence of a hard day’s work and more than enough reason to justify the huge meal I ate earlier at Frankie’s & Benny’s (that will almost definitely render my ‘holiday’ diet back to ‘square 1’ again).

Damn.

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